Caring For Aging Parents - Before You Decide To Live Together

As our aging parents get older and more limited in the things they can do for themselves, it may appear that the only solution is to either have them move in with us, or that we should move in with them. While this may be a viable solution in some cases, care must be taken that this is the right decision, taken for the right reasons. Moving too hastily, or with a lack of frank discussion can lead to a living situation which is stressful on everyone involved.

Before such a decision is made, it's important to talk it over with them. We need to recognize that our parents deserve our honor and respect. It is important to be involved in their lives, without going to the extent of interfering in their lives. To that end, we wouldn't want to take away any more of the control over their lives than is absolutely necessary. It may be that they will eventually not be able to live on their own, but there is no need to rush to that conclusion. As long as they are able and desirous of living in their own home, that should be respected. It may be that age and infirmities have dulled some of their abilities, but has not completely incapacitated them. Perhaps all that is needed is to help out with some of the chores and maintenance around the house.

Sometimes, we try to do too much for our parents. While this may be well intentioned, it can be motivated by an exaggerated sense of duty or a lack of understanding as to the parents’ actual needs. Do your parents really need to move into your home at this point? Do they even want to? Many older people want to live as independently as possible. For fear of sounding unappreciative, they may hesitate to express to their children that they would prefer to live by themselves in their own home, despite some inconveniences. They may love their children and want to spend time with them. But be dependent on their children? No, they may prefer to do things for themselves.

Someday it may be necessary to move your parents into your home. However, if that time has not yet arrived, and if they honestly prefer to live by themselves, why refuse them these years of independence? Would some adjustments in the home or a regularly scheduled phone call or visit enable them to continue living in their own home? They may feel happier in their own home, making their own daily decisions.

You may fear that something might happen to one of your parents if they continue living on their own. You might think, "If Mom or Dad fell and got hurt, I’d never forgive myself!’ This is a valid concern, especially if your parents’ strength or health has declined to the point that there is real danger of an accident. But if that isn't the case, ask yourself whether your concern is for your parents or for yourself, a way to protect yourself from inappropriate guilt.

It's very possible that your parents would be happier and better off in their own home. Sometimes, in our overzealous desire to help, we might actually make matters worse, by taking away all the meaningful activity in our parents life. This can actually hasten their aging, as they lose all sense of purpose. The best solution is to help our parents live as independently as possible, while providing any care and help that they actually need.

We should also make a periodic reassessment and readjust as your parents’ needs increase or even decrease. If and when the day arrives that a change has to be made, all of this careful forethought and planning will pay off. While no one wants to admit that they are getting older and less capable, if we have helped our parents to stay independent as long as possible, the eventual realization that it is time to make a change will be far easier to accept.